Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
