I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
