and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
