You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
