Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
