Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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