Your face is a jimmy john
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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