I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
