is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
