shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
