i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
