Swine flu is the new snow day.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
