Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I need to wash the frat house off of me
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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