I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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