My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
