so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
