I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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