matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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