____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
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