yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
