I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
