Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
