Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
