Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
