Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
