Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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