is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
