Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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