nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
