Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
