haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Are my feet made of real feet?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Your cock deserves a montage
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
