I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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