dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
