Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
