Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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