Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
