If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize
