Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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