I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
