I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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