I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
