peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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