Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
