Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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