Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
