I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
