I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.