I hate all girls vehemently.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Is it penis luge time yet?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me