captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice