pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
