i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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