I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
