Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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