my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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