I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
