Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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