The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
