You can't motorboat a personality
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
