Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
