Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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