I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
